Advice From An Old Guy

Although I no longer have the distinguished honor of being the SWBL’s oldest player (thanks Kevin), I did hold that title for a while. Hell, I was the oldest player in the league when it was founded in 2003. Five years ago, when most of the guys in the league were in their early 20s and there were a lot more shirtless games I looked on with envy as I watched young bodies with the ability to metabolize insane amounts of alcohol run around in the heat of summer. Ah, to be 23 again. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it doesn’t get any easier – the older you get the bigger the toll this weekend takes on your body. I didn’t even know what a hangover felt like until 27. When you get past 30 the mere threat of a hangover is enough to keep you from drinking some nights. So, on a weekend that seems to require each player to down a case of beer and the average age of the league is in the late 20’s I wanted to share some tips that will help your body make it through Memorial Day weekend. Remember, failing to prepare is preparing to fail.

Pedialite

Buy it. Now. Lots of it. Stock up. You won’t need it just for the mornings after. I’d start sucking that shit down along with gallon jugs of water on Tuesday. You need to proactively hydrate before ripping through 30 racks of warm bud light in the 90-degree St. Louis sun.

PTO on Tuesday

If you are planning on heading into work on Tuesday after one of the greatest weekends of the year you better be ready for some uncomfortable water cooler talk. “Limping around this morning?” “Did you drink any beer of just dump it all over yourself?” “You look like someone shot your dog.” In addition to the bumps, bruises, and hangover there is a general whiffle-withdraw that takes some time to get over. You will have misery written all over your face. Save a day off for May 29th.

Dr. Will Rath

I’m sure he will be ecstatic that I’m advertising his free medical expertise here. Will got me set up right when I went flying over the fence a few years ago and sprained my shoulder. The man is a godsend and his services will be needed as a combination of age and Louisville chuggers really test your coordination once you hit 30.

Ibuprofen

Ah, the medicine that cures both a hangover headache and sore muscles. Consult your medical professional on the dosage as mixing alcohol and non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) can irritate your stomach and intestinal tract.

Sunglasses

It amazes me that some guys still go out there without proper eye protection. Every year my vision seems to get worse and my contact lens prescription gets stronger. Also, this will help stave off the aforementioned headaches that are sure to take affect late in the day.

Sweatpants

The constant start-stop demand of playing whiffle can wreak havoc on your leg muscles. Sometimes players sit for hours between games before trying to leg out a double. A good pair of pants will keep your legs loose and lead to fewer muscle tweaks. Also, general rule of thumb for sweatpants: the more holes the better.

Things to leave at home

Batting Gloves

Wives

Car Keys (take uber)

Egos

See y’all soon!